I tricked you! You probably thought I would discuss Private School for the letter P, being that I am a Private School Mom. Maybe you even thought I’d discuss 
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosi, which is the longest word in the English language. Well, I’m discussing neither. Instead, I’m going to write about Patents. Specifically, the patents on paper. Oh, not just any type of paper … TOILET paper. There is a patent for the toilet paper roll holder that answers the age old question of do you place the roll of toilet paper hanging over or under. Since 1891, this has been such a hot topic that people have been assaulted, gotten divorced and even gone to jail over their preference.
If there’s a snow storm, a pandemic or you’re just a hoarder, everyone needs toilet paper. You know who you go to when the stores are out of toilet paper? Your friends that practice extreme couponing. Somewhere there was a $1 off manufacturer’s coupon that was doubled in addition to a store sale of BOGO. That’s extreme couponer’s speak for Buy One Get One Free. The store paid your friend $.50 to take that roll off their hands, so she bought 250 rolls. Yes, in the event of a pandemic and no toilet paper, I’m going to seek out Traci, she knows all about extreme couponing. Her kids go to public school.
Sure, there’s the bread and milk crowd who think they are superior. Let me tell you, I can survive on water, but there’s no way I’m scooping my poop with my hand. Ewww, that’s gross! Even the bottled water crowd has a saying “You can’t live without water.” Well, that is true. But, you CAN live without bottled water. So, I’m leaving that at the grocery store and going straight to the toilet paper aisle. Everyone poops and there’s no way I’m using a leaf or magazine page when we’ve run out of that soft papery white stuff. OH, was that too specific? Don’t act like you haven’t done it. You’re probably a sock pooper, which IMHO is even worse than a magazine page pooper. In some rare occasions, at the end of the toilet paper roll, I’ve used the brown cardboard tube that holds the toilet paper. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But, trust me, I will never, and I mean Never will I ever use a leaf.
So the age old question exists. Does the toilet paper go over the roll or under the roll? Over the roll has it’s benefits because it’s easier to grasp. Though, if there is any splatter, it may get on the roll, making it nasty and no one wants to use toilet paper that is used or full of other people’s fecal matter.
If the toilet paper roll hangs under, the previous user may have used his/her hand in a gross way and has now touched the toilet paper you are about to use.
We all know that human are just a disgusting animal with lots of fluids coming from every orifice. So, it could really be any fluid from any orifice of theirs or another person. If you’re a mom, it’s almost guaranteed those fluids will be a miniature replica of yours, just like the little person they came from.
So, to answer the big question … here is the patent.
THE WINNER IS OVER !!!
Now that you are disgusted about toilet paper, I have done my job. When there’s a rush on that white quilted goodness, there will be one less person trying to squeeze me out of my roll of Charmin. All the toilet paper will be mine … all mine! Muahahaha