Rolls of Toilet Paper

The Private School Mom Blogging from A to Z : P is for Paper

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I tricked you! You probably thought I would discuss Private School for the letter P, being that I am a Private School Mom. Maybe you even thought I’d discuss pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosi, which is the longest word in the English language. Well, I’m discussing neither. Instead, I’m going to write about Patents. Specifically, the patents on paper. Oh, not just any type of paper … TOILET paper. There is a patent for the toilet paper roll holder that answers the age old question of do you place the roll of toilet paper hanging over or under. Since 1891, this has been such a hot topic that people have been assaulted, gotten divorced and even gone to jail over their preference.

If there’s a snow storm, a pandemic or you’re just a hoarder, everyone needs toilet paper. You know who you go to when the stores are out of toilet paper? Your friends that practice extreme couponing. Somewhere there was a $1 off manufacturer’s coupon that was doubled in addition to a store sale of BOGO. That’s extreme couponer’s speak for Buy One Get One Free. The store paid your friend $.50 to take that roll off their hands, so she bought 250 rolls. Yes, in the event of a pandemic and no toilet paper, I’m going to seek out Traci, she knows all about extreme couponing. Her kids go to public school.

Sure, there’s the bread and milk crowd who think they are superior. Let me tell you, I can survive on water, but there’s no way I’m scooping my poop with my hand. Ewww, that’s gross! Even the bottled water crowd has a saying “You can’t live without water.” Well, that is true. But, you CAN live without bottled water. So, I’m leaving that at the grocery store and going straight to the toilet paper aisle. Everyone poops and there’s no way I’m using a leaf or magazine page when we’ve run out of that soft papery white stuff. OH, was that too specific? Don’t act like you haven’t done it. You’re probably a sock pooper, which IMHO is even worse than a magazine page pooper. In some rare occasions, at the end of the toilet paper roll, I’ve used the brown cardboard tube that holds the toilet paper. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But, trust me, I will never, and I mean Never will I ever use a leaf.

So the age old question exists. Does the toilet paper go over the roll or under the roll? Over the roll has it’s benefits because it’s easier to grasp. Though, if there is any splatter, it may get on the roll, making it nasty and no one wants to use toilet paper that is used or full of other people’s fecal matter.

If the toilet paper roll hangs under, the previous user may have used his/her hand in a gross way and has now touched the toilet paper you are about to use.

We all know that human are just a disgusting animal with lots of fluids coming from every orifice. So, it could really be any fluid from any orifice of theirs or another person. If you’re a mom, it’s almost guaranteed those fluids will be a miniature replica of yours, just like the little person they came from.

 

 

So, to answer the big question … here is the patent.

THE WINNER IS OVER !!!

THE WINNER IS OVER !!!

Now that you are disgusted about toilet paper, I have done my job. When there’s a rush on that white quilted goodness, there will be one less person trying to squeeze me out of my roll of Charmin. All the toilet paper will be mine … all mine! Muahahaha

Q is for Quarantine

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Blogging from A to Z with The Private School Mom: Q is for Quarantine

 

Our small Lake House maintained by a full-time housekeeper and her boyfriend.

It’s been a minute since you’ve heard from me. Life happened, but now I’m back to spill all of the secrets and give you an inside look at my life. So, let’s continue with the letter Q. The entire country is going ballistic because someone, who obviously never attended Private School, has a little cough.

OUR MAIN HOME

Thank Goodness I haven’t caught the SARS-C0V2, but that’s because my family and I are on lockdown. I would have every family member quarantine at their own house, but traveling between all of them would be exhausting. I consider our main home the one in the Suburbs. Oh, the irony … we paid double for our home because of the amazing public school district. Yet, my kids attend Private School.

MY HUGE MANSION

Just like you don’t choose your husband, you don’t choose where your kids want to go to school. Either it’s a match or not. I did absolutely nothing to influence my children to choose private school over public school. Just like I didn’t do anything to make my husband choose me over the other girls out there. OK, maybe a little nudging with both of those things. OK, fine … a LOT of nudging. What do you want from me? I’m a woman who knows what she wants and I’m going to get it, no matter what. Huh? I sound like a spoiled princess that needs to cut up her credit card? Sorry, I lost it in the house, somewhere, and I just can’t find it because our house is so huge!

GYMS ARE OVERRATED

Most of the houses in this area are small so we really got lucky to find one that would fit our fabulous and expensive lifestyle.  The bonus is our home is so big, I can walk from room to room and save money by canceling my gym membership. In addition, lifting all of those heavy boxes from shopping online is my daily strength workout.

THE LAKE HOUSE

Our second home is the lake house. I mean, doesn’t everyone have a lake house? Otherwise, you need to stay at a resort or even worse rent an airBnB, which is really just squatting in someone else’s lake house. People have called me many things in my life and squatter will not be one of them. I believe a lake house should be shared with friends so I added on a few extra bedrooms. The only person that lives there full-time is our Lake House Housekeeper. She convinced me she must live there the other 50 weeks during the year to maintain it and keep it clean. Only she and her boyfriend live in our home, as I would hate to have another family sully our fine linens.

THE NUTRITIONIST

When we visited last, I found receipts with different male names ordering 6-8 dinners. I hope her boyfriend doesn’t find out. She doesn’t have to worry, I can keep a secret. Obviously, she orders a bunch of meals to just taste them. We must have the same nutritionist. He says to stay fit I shouldn’t eat meals, just taste them. I follow his advice and order 5 meals, to taste. His advice doesn’t work for me, but it obviously works for her since she is really skinny. The other way I know she is the right housekeeper for us is because she put together a welcome book … just for our family … isn’t that sweet? It had our wifi password (in case we forgot), restaurants in the area, fun things to do and her name and phone number (again, in case we forgot) with any questions.

THE SPIRITUAL ADVISOR

I am so lucky to have found her because I love that only they, other than our family, has ever stayed in our lake house. I would never have my friends visit without us, it would ruin it’s perfectly balanced aura and vibe … as my spiritual advisor (her boyfriend) convinced me.

FINAL QUARANTINE SOLUTION

Our third and final home is in Aspen, Colorado. Oh and there’s that one in Italy. There are enough homes for everyone, but those dumb child neglect laws say that I have to “care for” my children which means we have to live in the same house. It’s OK, I actually like us all being together and that’s why I’m having everyone quarantine in our main suburban home, in their own wing.