Everyone wants to be accepted. As a private school mom, being accepted is both expensive and it’s hard work. It probably should matter to me more, but I just don’t care. I usually say or do the wrong thing. I think I’m being witty and funny, the other moms think I’m being obnoxious or even worse, they don’t laugh. Plus, I shop at Target — for clothes. I literally walk around carrying a big red bullseye. Not everyone gets my humor. But, those that do get it think the words that come out of my mouth are hilarious. Those are usually the other moms that also don’t take themselves too seriously. According to studies, acceptance is directly linked to happiness.
MY MORNING BREAKFAST
I don’t fit in with the popular moms, you know the ones I’m talking about. The moms that drink a green protein shake for breakfast, which they also promote on Instagram. They can’t finish the whole thing, because just a few sips fill them up. Do you know what fills me up? Solid food including eggs, hashbrowns, maybe some big fat sausage links. I like to finish off breakfast with a waffle. The only green thing on my plate is the lettuce that holds the fruit garnish and I’m not eating that. Instead, I’m going to wrap it in a napkin, stick it in my purse and give it to one of the popular moms tomorrow morning at carpool. They can use it for their morning smoothie.
It’s like when a cat brings a dead mouse to your front doorstep. You’re like “Oh, what a nice cat. That cat really likes me.” Then, you realize it’s a dead mouse. Gross. That’s me, every day. I’m that cat in this scenario, not the dead mouse. I just want to make that point clear.
YETI TUMBLERS
The other private school moms keep their healthy morning smoothie cold in a silver colored Yeti tumbler covered with the sticker “Living my Best Life.” Their other arm holds a brown Louis Vuitton designer purse. I see them huddling and chatting after dropoff like a group of pink flamingos with really skinny legs. If every mom owns the exact same Louis Vuitton purse, does that make each one of them unique? I wonder if they only bought it just to feel accepted.
YOGA CLASS
The yeti tumbler is frequently carried into their yoga class. I know this because we all go to the same gym. While they take yoga, I’m walking at a pace of 2.7 on the treadmill. Don’t judge, it’s better than nothing. Seeing a mom drink out of their Yeti is like spotting a unicorn. No one has actually ever seen any of them put the Yeti tumbler to their lips.
LULULEMON ACTIVEWEAR
On the treadmill, I have lots of time to think. Often, I have fantasies of them finishing off an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting, as I do frequently. But, I look at their skinny flamingo legs shoved into a Size 00 Lululemon leggings and realize their stomachs probably only hold a few ounces. Their eating habits are more like a recent laparoscopic (weight loss surgery) patient than me. Is it because they care too much? Are they so stressed out that they won’t be accepted by the other moms, that they have completely lost their appetite? Maybe if I cared more, I could get down to a size 8. We all know that a Size 00 is just crazy talk.
FINALLY BEING ACCEPTED
We all do outrageous things for acceptance. In my case, I’m writing 26 blog posts in 30 days, every day except Saturday.
It’s not too soon to tell each other all of our secrets, right? Make me happy by commenting below and telling me the most outrageous thing you have done to be accepted.
And, come back tomorrow when I talk about all the bad words I say when the other private school moms are not around. It’s going to be @/3&o#3. That word is awesome! (Seriously, switch out the A for an @ and the letter E looks like a backward 3, etc.) I really feel that we can make each other happy! Wow, maybe I’ll even finally feel accepted.
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