Helicopter moms are so last year, we will not be discussing them. The helicopter mom doesn’t even know where the nearest helipad is located and we all know she doesn’t own a helicopter. Have you heard of a snowplow mom? She is a mom that pushes obstacles out of the way for her children, especially when they are applying to colleges. That’s all good and fine, but what about the moms that care more about themselves than their kids? Can they get a little love? Let’s talk about The Average Mom, The Diamond Tier Mom, and The Compound Mom.
Originally, this post was going to be H is for Homebody. I don’t go out much because I don’t have many friends. I used to think it’s because I put people into stereotypical boxes. But, that’s a ridiculous thought. Moms just have really super busy schedules. Anyway, this pretty much sums up most of the private school moms that I know.
THE AVERAGE MOM
There’s your average, stay at home private school mom that lives in a 4+ bedroom home. They are a dime a dozen. She spends her time shopping or working from home. Typically she’s a blogger or a real estate agent. You know, something that doesn’t make too much money. It’s just enough to make her feel like she can support herself if her husband runs off with her best friend, who is a yoga instructor. She really likes wine and going out with her private school mom friends. Much of her time is spent at the grocery store and the dog park. You can also find her at Starbucks, Whole Foods and the gym with her best friend.
THE DIAMOND TIER MOM
Her house is a lot nicer and a lot more modern than the average mom. She’s the second wife (or third or fourth or fifth). The older kids belong to the first wife, they all attend private school. The diamond tier mom leaves her toddler with the nanny and she swears that her child will be raised differently. Most of her time is spent online and at the mall spending her husband’s money and his kid’s inheritance. Because she gets stressed out very easily, she rarely cooks dinner and has earned the diamond tier with Uber Eats. Need something from the store? Instacart will be there in an hour! Amazon delivers all of her other needs in two business days, she is on a first name basis with the Amazon delivery guy. She is not worried her husband will leave her because she is super hot and refused to sign a prenup.
THE COMPOUND MOM
A compound mom is a mom that never has to leave her house because she has everything she needs behind those large mechanical gates. Once you get buzzed in, drive down the long paved road and park anywhere on the circular driveway that wraps around right past the front door. Perfectly manicured lawns and large pots of fresh colorful flowers surround the multi-story residence.
Your kids are in for a treat! There’s a movie theater, bowling alley, heated swimming pool, hot tub, full-size arcade games, basketball court (indoors), a room just for slime and every board game imaginable. In addition to the fire pit, there a built-in grill and seating, all made from imported Italian stone.
There’s never any reason for the compound mom or her kids to leave the house. She is not on a first name basis with the Amazon Delivery guy because the live-in housekeeper answers the door. She doesn’t need to order things online, the staff will drive one of the six available cars to get whatever she needs. The compound mom is just one antidepressant and/or plastic surgery away from becoming her real self and finding true happiness.
SECRET PRIVATE SCHOOL MOM SOCIETY
I run into all of these moms when I leave the house. Well, almost all of these moms. I’ve never actually met a compound mom since each child is assigned their own nanny who drops the kids off at all of the school events. Does it really surprise you that I don’t leave the house and I don’t have many friends? I’ll be kicked out of the secret private school mom society if any of the private school moms get wind of this blog post. But, who needs friends when I have you, all of the people that read this blog and will one day buy my book ‘The Life of a Private School Mom”.
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