As a private school mom, I would never wear anything fake, except if I could get away with it. For example, during PTA meetings … I mean Parent Club meetings. See, PTA meetings are so fake, that’s what public school parents go to. Real parent meetings are called Parent Club. Participation is 100% required, not voluntary, just like the PTA dues. Private School Moms are very involved in their school activities and children’s lives. Those public school moms only pay $25 for a year for PTA and that includes coupons. Coupons! Ridiculous! At our private school, the minimum mandatory Parent Club donation is $250 and none of us need to use coupons, except online because, you know, we’re not complete animals.
Cubic Zirconia VS. Diamonds
So, back to being Real. There is nothing more real than being a private school mom, especially our jewelry. I like to mix real diamonds with faux diamonds. Faux does not mean fake, it means they are hand-made in a factory. Cubic Zirconia is an example. It’s a gorgeous diamond like stone that looks exactly like a diamond. It’s very realistic looking and almost at hard. Diamonds are not perfect. They all have inclusions (little black dots inside) and Cubic Zirconias do not, which actually make cubic zirconia’s better. I love cubic zirconia so much that my wedding ring is not an actual diamond, but a cubic zirconia. My husband thought I would never find out. When I tried to pawn my engagement to pay for private school tuition, the older and very greasy pawn shop owner let me in on the truth. Do you think I would get mad at my husband for trying to pull off such a stunt? You would be wrong. I’m so proud of him for giving me a HUGE diamond. I’d prefer a 6 carat CZ over a .01 chip diamond any day. My husband is the BEST! Diamonds may be forever, but a CZ shows that you will really give your girl everything she wants to keep her happy.
Real or Fake? Robot Children
Our children are also not fake. They are real. I know this because they constantly ask for food and for me to “feed them”. If they were fake, I could just plug them in and continue shopping instead of having to come home to “cook dinner” and by cook dinner we all know that means order Postmates. Sometimes, I wish for robot children. I feel like they would not only be easier, but would love me more and not be so demanding for things like “food” and “toiletries”. I wouldn’t get constant shade from them because I “forgot to pick them up” or “Didn’t send in the check to school.” My robot children could walk home, in the rain, and I could my nails touched up at Kim’s salon. My kids would be able to cook their own dinner and cook me dinner, too. Finally, their hands could be little vacuums that would pickup all the dust in the house. OK, Robot children are starting to sound pretty good right now. So, I have fake diamonds. My husband likes making me happy. How hard would it to find a couple of fake Robot kids? OH, haha, I kid, I love my children and would never trade them in for robot clones (or would I?)
Keeping it Real
So, as you can see, everything about me is real except for my diamonds, nails, hair color, teeth, cheeks, nose, eyebrows, lip color, clothes and possibly children (my husband and I will discuss that tonight). You may think that private school moms are so different. Some may say we are unapproachable, but we are just like you.
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicavolcanoconiosi, which is the longest word in the English language. Well, I’m discussing neither. Instead, I’m going to write about Patents. Specifically, the patents on paper. Oh, not just any type of paper … TOILET paper. There is a patent for the toilet paper roll holder that answers the age old question of do you place the roll of toilet paper hanging over or under. Since 1891, this has been such a hot topic that people have been assaulted, gotten divorced and even gone to jail over their preference.
Sure, there’s the bread and milk crowd who think they are superior. Let me tell you, I can survive on water, but there’s no way I’m scooping my poop with my hand. Ewww, that’s gross! Even the bottled water crowd has a saying “You can’t live without water.” Well, that is true. But, you CAN live without bottled water. So, I’m leaving that at the grocery store and going straight to the toilet paper aisle. Everyone poops and there’s no way I’m using a leaf or magazine page when we’ve run out of that soft papery white stuff. OH, was that too specific? Don’t act like you haven’t done it. You’re probably a sock pooper, which IMHO is even worse than a magazine page pooper. In some rare occasions, at the end of the toilet paper roll, I’ve used the brown cardboard tube that holds the toilet paper. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But, trust me, I will never, and I mean Never will I ever use a leaf.
We all know that human are just a disgusting animal with lots of fluids coming from every orifice. So, it could really be any fluid from any orifice of theirs or another person. If you’re a mom, it’s almost guaranteed those fluids will be a miniature replica of yours, just like the little person they came from.
